Wednesday, July 12, 2006

A Message from our Chairman

Dear minions,

After a suitable period mourning France’s shock defeat in the World Cup Final to cheating Italian scum, I am writing to announce my unbending faith in my other favourite team – yes, I am talking about Fudge.

Now really is the most exciting time in Fudge’s history. Since the arrival of our M.D. Tim Soprano and his ‘crew’, we haven’t lost a single pitch. Creatively, under the stewardship of respected, award-winning Creative Director Dave Spout, we have reached new pinnacles of brilliance. Yes, I am proud to lead this flagship of innovativity.

At times like this, I often think back to my childhood. As some of you may know, my natural parents were both gored to death by a boar while camping in Provence and I was raised in the wild by a tribe of economists. I know my adopted family would be proud of what we have achieved at Fudge.

However, as my economist father, Jacques, would grunt at me in the forest “there’s always room for more noughts on your spreadsheet, son”. So, as brilliant as we are, Fudge can do more and do it at a greater profit. This is no time to relax. It is the time to attack and kill!

Blue-skies forever,

Benoit Goddard, Founder and Chairman

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Art Worker Contacts Alien Civilisation

It's not often that a Mac operator can be confused with Jodie Foster, but New Zealander Bjorn O'Grady proves there's an exception to every rule. Yes, Bjorn has made 'Contact' and he didn't need his own £billion SETI programme to do so. How did Bjorn manage to bridge the void and open communications with the Vjikigiiii people? Scientists put it down to the metal plate in his head and the innumerable pieces of 'body jewellery' that fill the piercings puncturing his pale body.

"They talk to me all the time, y'know?" says O'Grady,"They're tryin' to teach me how to build a matter transporter, so they can come to the Earth and stuff. It freaks me out, man."

Having toyed with sacking Bjorn for being clinically insane (NOTE FROM M.D. TIM SOPRANO: check your contracts - mental illness equals instant dismissal), his job was spared when others at Fudge heard the aliens speak via his Prince Albert.

So when you see Client Services Director Henry Staunton-Bishopsfinger kneeling over Bjorn's crotch, don't worry - he's not performing fellatio - just trying to pitch for work on the planet Vjikig.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Dave Spout's 'How to be a Genius Like Me' Part 9: Pitching to Win


Click to see it big, man

Fudge on Friday newsletter: 7 July 2006

FUDGE ON FRIDAY
The creative agency that doesn’t have to try…too hard

SPOUT PITCH

As a respected, award-winning Creative Director Dave Spout is a past-master of the successful pitch. But often winning pitches isn’t just about the work, as brilliantly inspirational as Fudge’s creative output always is. Click the link and learn, you filth:

http://www.fullfudge.blogspot.com/


FUDGE HARPOONS THE JAPANESE WHALING COMMISSION

The World’s Most Respected Agency had a big win this week after landing a place on the Japanese Whaling Commission’s online roster. Our idea for a viral movie featuring a gang of Sperm whales savaging a puppy should tip the balance for commercial whaling and open the door for the final extinction of this useless species. Fudge Founder and Chairman Benoit Goddard said: “I’ve always wanted to work with whalers and am looking forward to tucking into free-range whale meat myself very soon. Yum.”

RICK KERNER BRAIN-DEATH SHOCK

Deputy Creative Director Rick Kerner suffered even more bad luck this week when his brain was starved of oxygen during surgery to save his life after he was run over by an OAP riding a mobility scooter. This follows electrocution, blood poisoning and, of course, the fracture of his metacarpal. Plucky Rick is now back in the office and his team tell us that the quality of his creative input hasn’t suffered due to brain-death. Well done, Rick! Keep up the good work!

FIGHT FOR FUDGE!
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Bow down before Fudge

Fudge is the world’s largest independent creative blue sky solutions hive. With offices in London, San Francisco, Singapore, Shanghai and Huddersfield, Fudge spans the globe with its irreproachable brilliance.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Account Manager Surgery Sacrifice

It’s not often we have anything good to say about the worthless drones employed by this great agency, but today Account Manager David Pinder went above and beyond the call of duty when he had his spine surgically removed.

The gruelling 17 hour operation, performed in an Albanian clinic, will enable David to literally bend even further backwards to meet the needs of clients. Henry Haughton-Bishopsfinger, Director of Client Services, is especially pleased by David’s gesture: “I like my Account Managers spineless and it’s great that Pinder has proved that this needn’t merely be a metaphor. I’m looking forward to seeing him slither under the door tomorrow after his red-eye from Tirana.”

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Secret Squirrel

It’s like a Walt Disney film. One of those live action ones with cute animals. But it's real life and it happened right here in the Fudge offices. What are we talking about? Well, one of our programmers adopted a pet squirrel and has kept it in his desk for the last three months.



It all began when Jay Sanghera, the lonely HTML markup-drone (you probably haven’t spoken to him – he’s the one with goatee beard, glasses and Metallica t-shirt who sits near the toilets) spotted an injured squirrel whilst walking through the local park in whatever low-rent borough he slouches back to every night (Jay, not the squirrel). Feeling pity for the poor creature Jay took him to work and secretly nursed him to health with a diet of pizza and coke. Soon the little fellow was so massively overweight that he was happy to never move from the top drawer of Jay’s workstation.

As you know, hygiene conditions aren’t exactly of the highest standard in the developer suite, so it’s hardly surprising that no one noticed our little extra member of staff for a while. But once Jay’s secret was out, everyone beat a path to the programmer’s desk to see his rodent pal. Which is why we’ve sacked Jay and gassed the squirrel. Now get back to work!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

HR Faux Pas

We’ve all been having a bit of a laugh here today – our new quadriplegic HR Manager Louise Flinger nearly employed a creative wearing a pair of deck shoes! Call it naivety, call it wilful negligence – but, really, deck shoes?! What next? A creative who doesn’t DJ? The very thought…

Now, we employed Louise in a possibly misguided politically correct gesture, but if she continues to get it this wrong it won’t be long before she’s printing out her own P45 using her mouth joystick and making one last trip down that wheelchair ramp.

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